|GWAR Pimps Products Available at GWAR B-Q ’16|
Listen up, Bohabs! The Scumdogs and their partners have graciously bestowed quite a selection for you to choose from in their ever expanding line of unique and praiseworthy brand creations designed for your consumption or collection! You decide that part but, meanwhile, feast your eyes on all your Lords and Masters will have on hand at GWAR B-Q ’16 for you to peruse and choose from…
We’ll be introducing the world to the greatest elixir ever invented, ARCTIC SNOW GWAR VODKA! You can make vodka out of a bunch of different things, but we went with a potato vodka because you can shoot a potato from an air cannon. It also tastes better. It was made in Richmond, Virginia, home of the GWARbar, by JAMES RIVER DISTILLERY. They’re small and mainly make craft gins. After we swung some battleaxes and severed some limbs they saw through the mist of blood and viscera, plugged their sucking chest wounds, and made our awe inducing Arctic Snow. It’s smooth. It’s delicious. Chicks dig it.
Re-read that last thing. Learn it. Love it. Live it. It’s important!
To accompany Arctic Snow, we have some diabolical GWAR concoctions cooked up for your drinking pleasure. There will be smoothies and, er, “punches” to delight you! And extremely liberal doses of TEXAS BEACH BLOODY MARYS, brought to you by the man Imbibe Magazine named “Bartender of the Year 2015”, the LEGENDARY BARTENDER (don’t call him a mixologist!) DEREK BROWN. Derek is a driving force in the DC cocktail scene and his restaurants, Mockingbird Hill, Eat the Rich, Southern Efficiency, and the Columbia Room have been serving some of the finest drinks to be found on the planet! What boozy creation has come out of this unholy union? THE CROTCH PUNCH, that’s what!. The deadly spirit will be available at the GWAR-B-Q AND at the MORNING AFTER CHILL at the GWARbar.
In fact, pour it on BALSAC THE JAWS OF DEATH FAMOUS PORK SHOULDER SANDWICH if you wanna! Sure. It’s pork. Tastes like pork. Looks like pork. Could be pork. Could be Nigerian email scammers, but probably pork and Balsac perfected this dish at the GWARbar, and it’s become a favorite among Bohabs everywhere!
Smoked, braised, grilled to perfection, then slathered with equal parts GWAR-B-Q Sauce and the blood of innocent victims.
But mostly GWAR-B-Q SAUCE which is always at the fest to delight your greedy tastebuds! The metal monsters’ original signature sauce has jalapeno peppers, tomatoes, L’il Lucy’s Hot Pepper Ale, and some other exotic ingredients. Here’s a potion with the power to transform the lowliest cut of meat from a scrap unfit for a dog into the height of gastronomic perfection! Whether you slather it on ribs, chicken, seafood or road kill, it makes all dead things taste better! The perfect blending of sweet, smoke, spice and heat. GWAR-B-Q sauce is the ultimate weapon for any grill master!
And by now you know to wash it all down with ODERUS ALE!
CIGAR CITY BREWING is coming back to GWAR B-Q with their tribute to our Lord and Master with Oderus Ale – a most worthy sacrifice to the heaviest demigod to ever slay the universe, the one, the only, Oderus Urungus!
Need a smoke afterwards, Earth Dust? Then straight from MOUNT BAKER VAPOR comes the the newest flavors in our specialty line of GWAR FLUIDS: There’s “KEYSLYME PIE” where you can inhale the loathsome fruit of Slymenstra’s labor! Keyslyme Pie is a sadistic twist on a classic key lime pie recipe so delight in the sweet taste of destruction! Or try “ANTARCTIC ICE.”Throw your taste buds into the deep-freeze with a relentless hodgepodge of dragonfruit and citrus, frozen solid by savage gales of menthol. Then there’s “IMMORTAL CORRUPTOR.” This delectable e-juice drowns pineapple, marshmallow, and whipped cream in an infernal sea of pistachio pudding. Are you worthy of this sweet, sweet corruption?
And, if you want the real thing, because you start fires and grip cylindrical objects all day anyway, why not spark up a CiGWAR?TATUAJE CIGARS, the world famous cigar experts helmed by Pete Johnson, bring their expertise and Nicaraguan tobacco to make these hand-rolled luxury items designed exclusively for GWAR. JiZMak da Gusha was blown away by the CiGWAR, saying “It’s the second best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth!”
As an actual doctor of time and space, Doctor Nick was the only logical choice for GWAR when it came to selecting premium male grooming products. This was, of course, largely due to the fact that he is the only known curator of such products who also possesses the ability and desire to transcend space and time through the past few millennia.
Doctor Nick’s beard oils and other grooming products are simply a dream for any carbon based life form who’s concerned with the appearance of its hair covered meat bag and these special oils are no exception. Straight from the bowels of Antarctica, through a 9-mile time chasm and right onto your face that only mother can barely love. Each of them is crafted from only the finest organic bullshit that’s 100% guaranteed to not contain anything the media says is bad for you and chock full of everything they say is. So pinkys up! You look good, and everyone should fuckin know it.
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